Hidden Thoughts Of Baseball GMs

With Pitchers and Catchers officially reporting to camp tomorrow, spring training will be underway. This is also the time of the year when normally reclusive general managers will talk about the teams they constructed. GMs will talk in baseball language describing returning players, free agents he signed, and prospects that were given spring training invites.

GMs though will never tell you what they're truly thinking. Here are the hidden thoughts of the baseball GMs.

Kevin Towers, Arizona: "San Diego. Tell me how my ass tastes?"

Frank Wren, Atlanta: "Will these stupid reporters stop asking about the 2011 season. That year never happened in the Wren household."

Dan Duquette, Baltimore: "If Cal Ripken still played with the Orioles, I would run him out of town like I did to Roger Clemens in Boston."


Ben Cherington, Boston: "Wendi Nix left me. I basically have no power as the GM. The ownership group cut off my balls during my introductory press conference. I have two pitchers who enjoy fried chicken and beer but can't get rid of them because of their contracts. Other than that I'm fine."

Jed Hoyer, Chicago Cubs: "I can't believe I left beautiful San Diego to be the general manager of a team that I have no power with. Shit I think Theo is even reading my thoughts. Nothing to see here."

Kenny Williams, Chicago White Sox: "I've never heard of Kyle Williams. Why are you claiming some receiver who blew the 49ers Super Bowl spot is my son?"

Walt Jocketty, Cincinnati: "I traded for Matt Latos as a lab experiment. I want to see how long he can go with Dusty before he has elbow problems."

Chris Antonetti, Cleveland: "I actually did know Fausto Carmona's real name and age but was sworn to secrecy when he told me the truth."

Dan O'Dowd, Colorado: "To help our pitchers in Coors Field, we'll be throwing rocks instead of baseballs during the season."

Dave Dombrowski, Detroit: "I signed Prince Fielder with a box of donuts and extended Leyland with a carton of Marlboro Reds."

Jeff Luhnow, Houston: "Wait. I thought I was taking the Texas Rangers job? What the hell am I doing in Houston?"

Dayton Moore, Kansas City: "I swear my 25-year plan for turning around the Royals is working."

Jerry Dipoto, LA Angels of Orange County: "This Albert Pujols contract is going to be disastrous and I know I'm going to be the one blamed for it when we're in year 5 of the deal."

Ned Colletti, Los Angeles: "Can I finally stop asking Frank McCourt for a couple of dollars to buy new pencils?"

Michael Hill, Florida Miami: "Now I have to worry about two assholes using Twitter."

Doug Melvin, Milwaukee: "Prince Fielder, gone. Ryan Braun, suspended. Zach Greinke, cranky jerk who probably wants to leave. This is going to be a long season."

Terry Ryan, Minnesota: "Our star catcher and first baseman are falling apart. Other than that we should be fine."

Sandy Alderson, New York Mets: "My hidden thoughts can be found at @MetsGM."

Brian Cashman, New York Yankees: "Don't tell anyone, but Derek Jeter is really bad in the bedroom."

Billy Beane, Oakland: "I work for one of the richest men in the United States but this motherfucker nickles and dimes me on everything. And trust me a move to San Jose isn't going to change that."

Ruben Amaro, Jr., Philadelphia: "I'm confused. Phillies fans keep telling me we're 4-time defending World Series champions."

Neal Huntington, Pittsburgh: "This AJ Burnett trade is going to blow up in my face, isn't it?"

Josh Byrnes, San Diego: "I was told Adrian Gonzalez would be here when I took this job. What the hell?"

Brian Sabean, San Francisco: "Giants fans are going to shit when I trade Brandon Belt in July for a left-handed reliever."

Jack Zduriencik, Seattle: "I get paid in old Donkey Kong video games."

John Mozeliak, St. Louis: "I'm put my name in the witness protection program just in case this team stinks by July and fans are at my house rioting over the fact I didn't re-sign Albert Pujols."

Andrew Friedman, Tampa: "According to stats nerds I can poop rainbows and pee unicorns. All of which is true."

Jon Daniels, Texas: "Yes. Nolan Ryan constantly gives me the death stare."

Alex Anthopoulos, Toronto: "It's wonderful being in the same division as the Red Sox and Yankees. I use them as an excuse when my team is in fourth place and it works!"

Mike Rizzo, Washington: "Yes. Bryce Harper is a big of asshole as advertised."