December 11, 2013

What Colin Kaepernick Should Say

This isn't a big story nationally yet but the San Francisco media is fed up with 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick. See Kaepernick has a bit of Bill Belichick in him when he's being interrogated interviewed in press conferences after games and during the week. Well this has the San Francisco media peeved. Scott Ostler says, "Kaepernick bites the hand that feeds", like Kaepernick is only successful because of the media. Noted pot stirrer Lowell Cohn says, "It's time for Kaepernick to open up to the media and fans". About what Kaepernick is suppose to open up to, I have no idea.

Well since I'm always here to help, I thought I'd give Kaepernick some advice about "opening up" and suggesting what he should say to the San Francisco media during press conferences.

To Scott Ostler, "Thank you for the question Scott. And yes the media is the hand that feeds me. I'd prefer if folks would bring me something a little more healthier but I know you media folks don't eat anything healthy so this pizza and beer are fine."

To Lowell Cohn, "Well you see Lowell why I hardly say anything to you is because you're a mean son of a bitch. I saw you wrote a column calling Pablo Sandoval a "fatso" so I'm a little more guarded around you because you're quite mean with a keyboard. By the way Lowell, I see your kid is in charge of Niners coverage for the Santa Rose Press Democrat. At least that newspaper doesn't have a nepotism problem or anything."

To Ann Killion, "Yes, thank you for the question Ms Killion. By the way that's a lovely blouse you have on I'll have to get one for my mother for Christmas. As for your question Ms Killion I'm not as polished with the media like Russell Wilson because frankly I don't care what you or the New York Times thinks about me. I mean I guess I can give you insincere answers but what's the point?"

To Mark Purdy, "Who are you again?"

To Tim Kawakami, "You're the guy that was yelled at by Al Davis' flunky after Mr. Davis fired Lane Kiffin via projector, right?"

To Ray Ratto, "Thank you for the question Ray. By the way I should say in front of all you that Ray is the best columnist in this group. His sarcasm and wit are a must read for myself and the rest of you should learn how to write like Ray. As for your question Ray, well yes I hate these questions with a passion because here's the truth about the media. You can't win with them. What's the point in talking to the media if you can't win? I could be charming like Alex Smith and still be ripped for winning or losing (like he was). I could be charming like Russell Wilson and still be thought of as a phony (which I'm sure some people out there do think he's phony). So why should I open up? I have only one responsibility is to this organization and that's winning. That's the only thing this team cares about and that's what the fans care about.

You see that's the difference between the media and fans. The media doesn't care if I lose or win games. You care if I'm interesting. Fans and the team care if I win or lose. They don't care if I'm interesting or not. Look at Buster Posey. What do people really know about him? Hardly anything and the fans and the San Francisco Giants love him. So I ask again why do I need to open up? Why do I need to say more than a few words to press conference questions? For the media can take a quote to either rip or love me? I don't care what the media thinks of me.

Thank you all for coming today, I'm out."


  1. You sir are awesome! Best column I've read!!! Can't believe how he has these reporters all caught up in their feelings...

  2. That's one thing I do respect about Ratto, you'd never see him write a column about a athlete barely speaking at press conferences.