December 17, 2012

Story Time With Cris

After listening to Cris Collinsworth slobber all over Tom Brady last night I imagined him reading a story to children called "The Book of Tom Brady". Here's that story:

"Hello children let me tell you the greatest story every told. One that you won't believe and will tell your own children one day. It's the story of Tom Brady.

In the beginning when Tom Brady created the heavens and earth he said, "let there be light!" And then there was light.

And then Tom Brady created the light and dark days. And Tom Brady would then decide to lose games at night because he was feeling charitable.

And then Tom Brady created the sky. You have always wondered why the sky is blue? Well the sky is blue because it's Tom's favorite color to go along with his Ugg boots.

And then Tom Brady created the seas for his private yacht. That yacht by the way you will never be allowed on because you're a weakling. You hear me? a weakling!

On the fourth day Tom Brady created mornings for him to drink expensive coffee with his no ass supermodel wife. And then he created the nights to make babies to populate the world with his genius and good looks.

On the fifth day Tom Brady created human life. Or mankind as you would know it. So you can thank Mr. Brady for creating your wonderful. And while you're thanking him, kiss his feet because you're human waste and he's the greatest of all time.

Tom Brady blessed human kind and said, "You're all weaker than me but go on and live your miserable lives. I'll be here on top of a mountain making love to my wife every day in Ugg boots. And if I hear one vile comment on my boots, I will smite you with lightning." He really is a great guy.

On the sixth day Tom Brady will blow a snot rocket while the rest of the stadium is mourning the loss of innocent children in a senseless slaying. Because deep down children just get in his way to the Ugg store.

On seventh day Tom Brady said everyone should rest. "Watch as I play and then lose in Super Bowls to Eli Manning. Don't worry though everyone will forget about these losses and still think I'm better than Joe Montana which I'm not because Montana would have never lost to Eli Manning."

And that is the greatest story ever told children."

/the children look on horrified


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