Troy Renck of the Denver Post today reported Jason Giambi, yes that Jason Giambi, interviewed for the Colorado Rockies managerial job. Here's how I assume the conversation went between Giambi and Rockies GM Dan O'Dowd
Setting: An office at Coors Field on Blake Street in Denver, Colorado.
Scene: Rockies general manager Dan O'Dowd is sitting at his desk looking over resume's for the Rockies manager. After interviewing Tom Runnells and Stu Cole, O'Dowd looks at the resumes of Vinny Castilla, Tim Wallach, and Jason Giambi.
(Voice of O'Dowd's secretary over the Intercom): Sir, Jason Giambi is here for his interview.
O'Dowd: Send him to my office in 30 seconds.
/O'Dowd gets up from his desk and zips up his pants
//looks at himself in the mirror to try and look more bro to impress Giambi
Door opens and Giambi walks into O'Dowd's office. Giambi is wearing cut-off jeans and a tuxedo shirt. He's unshaven and unclean. O'Dowd offers a handshake instead Giambi gives him a high-five. O'Dowd shows Giambi a seat and then he sits down behind his desk.
O'Dowd: How's the hernia, Jason?
Giambi: Oh it's fine. I can't ride any chicks though until I've healed which sucks but I needed a break anyways because of these crabs.
/O'Dowd shakes his head in confusion.
O'Dowd: So you're interested in our job? I couldn't really read your resume because it was just a drawing of a penis in crayon.
Giambi: Yeah brah I have this think about drawing men's genitals. You should have seen this penis I drew on the newspaper Helton was going to read in the bathroom. I figured you watched me pinch hit this year enough to know my credentials in baseball.
O'Dowd: Yeah you weren't that good this year coming off the bench.
Giambi: Yeah I wasn't that good, but I always thought it was weird when Tracy would ask me to bunt with two outs in the ninth inning.
O'Dowd: Well we certainly won't be worrying about Tracy any time soon. We told him he could do all the bunting and hit-and-run's he wants in Montana and off he went.
Giambi: Is there surfing in Montana?
O'Dowd: Uh no.
O'Dowd can see Giambi has lost interest in the conversation when he see's Jason looking at shiny objects and when he begins picking his nose. O'Dowd knows he must get to the real questions in a hurry.
O'Dowd: So Jason, what's your plans for this team? I mean if we hire you what's your goals and how do you plan to implement them?
Giambi: Well man my goals are simple. Score more runs than the other team, win games, and then pound pussy and drink beers.
O'Dowd: Well how are you going to do this? I mean sure scoring runs is what we want but how are you going to prevent the other team from scoring as well? Our pitching you know wasn't exactly stellar this year.
Giambi: Well I'm going to prevent the other team from scoring by distracting them with strippers down the base lines.
O'Dowd: Whoa, whoa! We're a Christian friendly team Jason. God is on our side. You know this. We can't have strippers dangling from poles down the base lines. Think of the children!
Giambi: Oh don't worry dude. I know God is on our side and all that other crap. That's why we'll have family stripper night. Moms and their daughters tastefully taking off their clothes while Adrian Gonzalez is facing Alex White. I mean let's be honest Danno, we need all the help in the world for these crappy pitchers.
O'Dowd: Well you are right. Our pitchers do need some serious help. I just don't think that is the appropriate approach though.
Giambi: How about we stop giving our opponents the humidifier balls?
O'Dowd: Hush. We can't let Lincecum know about that. He'll rat us out to the umps.
Giambi: Man fuck him. Before every Giants series I'll give him a bag of weed to smoke. My brother is growing it out of his closet at his home in Santa Monica you know.
O'Dowd: I like that idea and please don't say "fuck" around here. Remember, we're God's team.
Giambi: Whatever you say chief. Do I have the job or not?
O'Dowd: Well I still have to interview other candidates but you're definitely a front-runner.
Both Giambi and O'Dowd get up out of their seats and shake hands. Giambi leaves a white, sticky like substance in O'Dowd's hand which he wipes off with a handkerchief. O'Dowd shows Giambi out of the office and returns to his desk where he waits for a minute before speaking over the intercom with his secretary.
O'Dowd to his secretary: Please make sure Giambi leaves the office and then go and tell security to change the locks please.
O'Dowd to himself: Welp let's see if Casilla is any less crazy.