September 28, 2012

A Roundtable Discussion on Armando Benitez

I saw this picture today at McCovey Chronicles and it brought back all sorts of fond memories of Armando Bentiez's time with the San Francisco Giants. This picture also gave me an idea to bring along my fake Orioles and Mets fans known as Brother Omar and Vinny from Queens for a fake conversation about old Armando Benitez war stories. 

Keith: So guys, what's your favorite Benitez war story?

Brother Omar: Mine without a doubt is when he fought the entire Yankees team and the fight went right into the dugout. Good, good times.

Vinny From Queens: That's a great memory Brother Omar because fuck thooooooose guys in the Bronx. I wanted Benitez to punch out Jimmy from the Bronx because he still owes me money from the stickball game I beat him at.

Brother Omar: Aren't Yankee fans just the worst. Last time I was at a Yankees game I had to sit next to a 300-pound man named Tony from Yonkers.

Vinny From Queens: Well if you see Jimmy, tell him Vinny is looking for him.

Keith: Guys, guys, let's get back to the discussion. What's your favorite Benitez war story?

Vinny From Queens: My favorite memory was when Benitez got gout from over eating shellfish. This might be the most Benitez story ever.

Brother Omar: That would have never happened from over eating on crab cakes.

Vinny From Queens: My other favorite Benitez moment is when he blew a save to the Yankees in the 2000 World Series. Fun times.

Brother Omar: He did that frequently as well in Baltimore. Like the time Derek Jeter Jeffrey Maier hit that home run off of him in the 1996 ALCS. No one will ever be more loved in the Bronx than Armando Benitez. Not even DiMaggio.

Vinny From Queens: Ain't that a fact. He could punch Derek Jeter in the face in the middle of Yankee Stadium and Yankee fans wouldn't care.

Keith: I'll just get to my Benitez war stories. Where do I start? How about the time he blew the game against the Mets by balking not once, but twice! Or the time he blew a save and said, "I did my job". Or the time he was traded and Brian Sabean called him "the most despised player in Giants history", which is true by the way. It was like all of Benitez's worst traits came together in San Francisco and merged except for the gout.

Vinny from Queens: I remember the walk off balks! That was spectacular.

Brother Omar: I believe Benitez is the most despised player for everyone except in Florida where he wasn't that bad.

Vinny From Queens: Florida is weird for some people. Look at Javier Vazquez. Played like shit for the Yankees in two stints but was actually good in Florida. Must be the cocaine.

Brother Omar: No, no. Benitez and Vazquez both liked Florida because they really really like old people. Seriously.

Vinny From Queens: Who doesn't like old people? I mean except when they're behind the wheel of a car.

Keith: Well I can see this discussion is going off the tracks. I'll say this for Benitez. If it wasn't for him, this guy would have never became the Giants closer in 2007.
*This was just satire folks. Although Armando Benitez did suck.


  1. Not sure how you could not include the fact that asshole lost every fucking game of the 97 ALCS.

    1. If I mentioned all of his lowlights, that would turn into a novel.