Kevin Towers, Arizona: "If Stephen Drew doesn't heal faster, I'll definitely trade for one of the Alex Gonzalez's."
Frank Wren, Atlanta: "If Chipper Jones gains anymore weight, he'll be more like Fatter Jones AMIRITE?"
Dan Duquette, Baltimore: "Not only do I not know who'll be the number 1 starter, I don't even know who have these pitchers are."
Ben Cherrington, Boston: "Thank goodness the Celtics are imploding for no one can notice that there isn't a leader on this team and no one is taking responsibility for the chicken and beer fiasco."
Jed Hoyer, Chicago Cubs: "Red Sox fans are gonna be pissed when they find out we didn't send them St. Louis' Chris Carpenter."
Kenny Williams, Chicago White Sox: "Jake Peavy will be fine. Jake Peavy will be fine. Jake Peavy will be fine."
Walt Jocketty, Cincinnati: "Yes I had to put Chapman on a plan to prevent Dusty from destroying him. It has come to that."
Chris Antonetti, Cleveland: "Fausto Carmona or whatever his name is will be welcomed back with open arms. Until he changes his name again."
Dan O'Dowd, Colorado: "Jim Tracy's plan to pinch hit Jason Giambi earlier in the game sounds like a complete disaster."
Dave Dombrowski, Detroit: "Not even the addition of Fielder can prevent Leyland from finding a spot on the field for Brandon Inge."
Jeff Luhnow, Houston: "Why isn't everyone peppy and have a winning attitude like me? Wait? Am I still working for St. Louis?"
Dayton Moore, Kansas City: "Mike Moustakas embodies new-look Royals. We've also said that before about Johnny Damon, Jermaine Dye, Carlos Beltran before trading them all away for magical beans. And don't think we're not going to do that to Hosmer and Moustakas."
Jerry Dipoto, Los Angeles Angels: "Albert Pujols must not realize he plays in Southern California now. He's lucky 'El Hombre' isn't plastered on the back of his jersey."
Ned Colletti, Los Angeles Dodgers: "I would put together a group to buy the Dodgers, but I don't want to pay $500 million dollars in rent every year for the parking lots around Dodger Stadium to Frank McCourt."
Michael Hill, Miami: "Even the Miami Herald doesn't find the Marlins interesting enough. And I can't blame them."
Doug Melvin, Milwaukee: "Don't tell anyone, but I was the one who forgot to ship Braun's pee."
Terry Ryan, Minnesota: "I'm just going to pretend Justin Morneau isn't talking about retirement. Lalalalalalalalalalalalallalalalala."
Sandy Alderson, New York Mets: "Terry Collins realizes Jeremy Lin can't play shortstop right?"
Brian Cashman, New York Yankees: "Lou Piniella was hired by the Yes Network as a cover for he can easily replace Joe Giradi in the middle of the season."
Billy Beane, Oakland: "Manny Ramirez arrived in camp today and asked me for some reason if I could use Ryan Braun's pee for his drug tests."
Ruben Amaro Jr., Philadelphia: "Don't trust this report. Jimmy Rollins was in trouble with Manuel for not running between his car and the locker room."
Neal Huntington, Pittsburgh: "Drinking in the front office isn't new. I've been drunk since the first day I showed up here."
Josh Brynes, San Diego: "We really do have a great lineup, until we trade everyone away."
Brian Sabean, San Fransisco: "Yes I'm considering bringing back Edgar Renteria. This team just isn't old enough."
Jack Zduriencik, Seattle: "See Ichiro eat a ham sandwich!"
John Mozeliak, St. Louis: "We're going to start contract talks with Yadier Molina but watch him sign a contract with the Angels."
Andrew Friedman, Tampa: "The Zim Bear creeps me out just as much as you."
Jon Daniels, Texas: : "Nolan Ryan is still giving me the death stare."
Alex Anthopoulos, Toronto: "Omar Vizquel still plays?"
Mike Rizzo, Washington : "Zimmerman wants a no-trade clause. I want a no-injury clause."
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