September 30, 2009

The Conversation: Cruise & Zorn

Before the Washington Redskins lost to the Detroit Lions on Sunday, head coach Jim Zorn and Tom Cruise engaged in a conversation. You have to wonder what that conversation might have sounded like. Well here's my best guest.

Fade In:

Tom Cruise and Jim Zorn give each other a friendly embrace in front of a sparse crowd in Detroit before kickoff. Cruise and Redskins owner Daniel Snyder have been cushy for a while, so that means Zorn has to play nice with Cruise.

Tom Cruise: Hey Iceman! Give me some love.

Jim Zorn: What's up Maverick!

Cruise: Not much, I got out of going to one of mine Scientology cult meetings to come to this game. The rest of the members were just going to read another L. Ron Hubbard book. I said screw it, and I was off to the game. How you feeling about the game?

Zorn: I'm a 0.03 on the tone scale.

Cruise: Well you are pretty useless. I mean come on. You barely beat a horrible Rams team 9-7 last week.

Zorn: Thanks for the support, Tom. That makes me feel so much better.

Cruise: No problem Zorney. Hahahaha....Get it? Zorney? I crack myself up. And people wonder why I have never won an Best Actor Oscar.

Zorney: Yeah, I get it. Your so funny Cruisey?

Cruise: Don't ever fucking call me Cruisey or I will tell Danny!

Zorney: Oops, sorry Tom.

Cruise and Zorn look at each other awkwardly and smile. Zorn is feeling very uncomfortable at this moment and starts to sweat. Cruise looks displeased to talk to such a loser. Cruise never wanted the Redskins to hire Zorn in the first place, but he keeps a straight face because of his relationship with Danny Snyder.

Cruise: So what's the offensive gameplan today?

Zorney: Hahahahahahaha, what?

Cruise: You know the gameplan? How are you going to utlize Clinton today? How are you going to invovle Cooley in the game?

Zorney: Offensive gameplan? I was playing Where's Waldo? last night in the hotel room. I didn't create an offensive gameplan for this game.

Cruise: Oh boy! You are a 0.03 on the Tone Scale. You are completely useless. How did you swindle Danny into this job?

Zorney: Hip Hip Hooray?

Cruise: Shut up you useless waste of space. I can't believe I flew to fucking Detroit to watch this team. We have the most talent than every other team in the league, but we are a laughingstock. It's all your fault! You have made me look bad for the very last time!

Zorney: Do you own the team? Can you fire me?

Cruise: Of course I own this team. Daniel Snyder is just a front to make me look good. When personnel decisions like you backfire, Danny boy takes the heat instead of me. So yes I do own the team and yes I have the power to fire you. If you don't win today, I swear to Christ you won't make it back to the District.

Zorn at this point is really starting to sweat. He never knew Cruise was the one who actually owned the Redskins. He always thought that Cruise owning the team was a possibility, but now the truth had finally came out.

Zorn: I will go work on the gameplan right now.

Cruise and Zorn shake hands and part ways. Cruise climbs into the Detroit stands to watch the game. Zorn makes his way to the locker room to make a gameplan.

3 hours later and the Redskins just lost to the Detroit Lions. The Redskins were unsuccessful on two fourth down attempts. The first one happened on the Detroit one-yard line. Zorn called for a Clinton Portis run up the middle which was stuffed by the Lions. Then on the final drive of the game, Zorn's conservative gameplan prevented the Redskins from scoring while they were only down by five.

After the game ended Zorn looked into the crowd to find Cruise with a beat red face and a displeased posture. Fearing he wound be stranded in Detroit, Zorn ran into the locker room, to the parking lot and called for a taxi. Zorn then went to the airport and flew back to the District without the team. Zorn is in hiding at this moment. As for Cruise, he flew back to Los Angeles called Snyder and told him to take the heat from the press about this game.

Too be continued..........

1 comment: