News came down yesterday that the New York Jets might have tampered with the San Francisco 49ers unsigned first round pick Michael Crabtree. Jets coach Rex Ryan has denied these claims and wished his Jets played the 49ers. I think his daddy's favorite player would personally flog Ryan in the middle of the Meadowlands, but that's another conversation.
I have to wonder though, what would the conversation be like between Rex Ryan and Michael Crabtree? So once again this week, I break out the conversation. Warning: This post contains foul language that is not suitable for minors.
Michael Crabtree has landed in New York and is headed to New Jersey to meet with Coach Ryan. Crabtree arrives at the Bada Bing Club to meet with Coach Ryan. Crabtree is wearing a Versace suit, gold necklace, and a Rolex. Crabtree walks into the club and sees Ryan sitting in a booth and eating chicken wings. There are half-naked women dancing on top of the bar. Tony Soprano is sitting in his office in the back of the club.
Crabtree walks up to Ryan who is wearing sweat pants, sneakers, and a dirty T-Shirt. Ryan has ranch dressing on the side of his face, when he realizes that Crabtree has arrived. Ryan gets out of the booth to shake hands with Crabtree.
Rex Ryan: Hey Mikey! I'm Sexy Rexy.
Michael Crabtree: Hi, Sexy Rexy.
Ryan: (Laughs) Just kidding. You don't have to call me Sexy Rexy. Just call me Rex. Only my wife calls me Sexy Rexy in the bedroom. You know what I mean.
Ryan has a big grin on his face and is poking Crabtree in the side while laughing.
Ryan: Have a seat?
Ryan and Crabtree both sit down in the booth looking across from each other.
Ryan: Do you like chicken wings? They are my favorite. Also what do you think of this club? Fancy huh? My daddy used to take me to club like this in Philadelphia but they didn't have chicken wings, they only had cheesesteaks.
Crabtree: I will take a pass on the chicken wings. They are good though, but I ate a sandwich in on the way here.
Ryan continues to eat his chicken wings. He dips them in the ranch dressing while watching the half-naked dancers on top of the bar.
Ryan: So what's up with the 49ers? What a bunch of pussies. They don't want to pay you what you want. Fuck them! We traded up to draft Mark Sanchez and paid him a shitload of money. He's famous because he plays in New York. You see Michael, you will never become famous in San Francisco. There are too many weirdos out there anyhow.
And Mike Singletary, phew. My daddy was his defensive coordinator in Chicago. Talk about a primadonna? Singletary was all about the team and playing hard. What a pussy. Team sports are all about the individual like you.
Crabtree: That's what I have been saying. Deion Sanders said that I should only be concerned about me. I mean, I might as well be paid even if I don't contribute. As for Singletary, your right. The guy keeps calling me and telling me that this is a team and that everyone plays together. Fuck that. I'm going to be the biggest thing in the NFL.
Ryan: No doubt. Plus, Shaun Hill will be the one throwing to you. Yuk!
Crabtree: Don't even get me started on that guy. Hill isn't worthy of being in the same huddle as me. He has a lip noodle for a arm and he talks like a fucking redneck. I mean come on, he's from Kansas. The only thing that has come out of Kansas has been Dorthy.
Ryan: LOL, Dorthy. I loved "The Wizard of Oz." Anyways how would you like Mark Sanchez throwing to you. He has a strong arm and you have to see the women he hangs out with. Phew!
Crabtree: I bet. Sanchez looks like a pimp. I bet he does hang out with great women. Shaun Hill couldn't even pay a hooker to hang out with him.
Ryan: Shaun Hill is a loser. Fuck him and his limp noodle of an arm. Sanchez is the man. So how would you like to play for the New York Jets? You can catch passes from Sanchez and get paid a shitload of money.
Crabtree: Yeah that sounds good. I like Sanchez and you will seriously pay me the money I want? I mean I want $20 million guaranteed.
Ryan: We will pay you whatever you want. Just don't tell anyone.
Crabtree: Fuck yeah! I won't tell anyone. Wait! Why can't I tell anyone?
Ryan: Because that would be tampering. Were not even suppose to have this conversation. So remember, don't tell anyone. Don't tell your agent, don't tell your friends and don't tell Deion Sanders.
Ryan finishes his chicken wings and is now using a napkin to wipes his face and hands. And this time the half-naked dancer has finished her routine as Tony Soprano has walked out of his office and is on his way to meet Dr. Melfi.
Crabtree: Okay, I won't tell anyone.
Ryan: Good! We will try and work out something that could bring you to the New York Jets.
Crabtree: Great! Nice meeting with you.
At this time Crabtree and Ryan shake hands and part ways. Ryan heads back to the Jets training facilities. Crabtree calls for a cab and tells the driver to take him to the airport. While on his way to the airport, Crabtree talks to Deion Sanders. He tells Deion about his conversation with Ryan and what they are offering.
After Crabtree and Deion speak, Deion goes on the NFL Network and tells the world that at least two teams have shown interest in Crabtree. This proclamation by Deion triggers the tampering charges by the 49ers again the Jets, leaving us where we are today.
End of Scene