Billy Crystal Did a SportsNation Chat and It Was As Awful As You Would Expect

Over at the great website, The Classical, there is a three-part oral history on the great website Fire Joe Morgan. While reading the oral history it reminded me of all the posts the FJM guys did mocking Joe Morgan when he would do a "SportsNation Chat". Well I decided to look at the SportsNation Chats page and well what do you know, Billy Crystal had done a chat.

Crystal was on ESPN all day promoting some movie I and no one else will watch and he sat down for a chat with the SportsNation folks. And let's just say Crystal's SportsNation Chat was about as awful as expected*. Not without further ado, let's "FJM Style" Crystal's chat. The chat questions and Crystal's answers will be in bold. 

*I personally have always like Billy Crystal. Liked him on SNL and City Slickers, but he suffer's from Bob Costas disease. Whenever he talks about sports, he always hearkens back to the days when Don Draper was fighting in the Korean War.

Mike (NYC): More nervous before the start of hosting the Academy Awards or before hosting 
SportsCenter? 

I'm sure Crystal is petrified at hosting a show that draws less viewers than the Academy Awards pre-show.

Crystal: SportsCenter, without a doubt, only down...no free tux.

Thanks for letting everyone know Billy that you can't even afford to buy your own tux.

Kevin (DC) As a grandparent, how much of this movie is autobiographical?

I wonder if he's related to kt1000?????

Crystal: The themes of it. Old school versus new school. Please go. You'll really love it.

Have I mention how much I hate the meme's "Old school" and "New school"? Is there anything worse? Whether it's parenting or baseball statistics I hate both the "Old school" and "New school". Don't go to school at all losers.

Erik (Denver): Where is that double signed Mickey Mantle program today?

Barely a couple of questions into the chat and we have the all important Mickey Mantle question. Mickey Mantle to Crystal is like drugs and booze to Lindsay Lohan.

Crystal: You'll see it in a second. It will be on the show*. It's in my office.

*I don't watch Sportscenter at 3 PM in the day so I didn't watch the show. 

Well that ain't creepy or nothing. Just Billy Crystal talking about Tebow wanting to be traded or released by the Jets while holding a Mickey Mantle program. BTW, I wonder what Mantle in his prime would have thought of someone like Tebow?

FJM Style: Miami Heat

The Miami Heat once again lost to one of the best teams in the NBA in the Chicago Bulls. It was reported after the game a few of the Heat players were crying after the game in the locker room after the game. Now while I don't think the Heat are going to win the championship this season, I never thought that at the beginning of the year, I wouldn't call this season for the Heat a failure. Especially since the playoffs haven't started yet. Don't tell that to Israel Gutierrez of the Miami Herald who wrote a redundant doomsday column on the Heat.

When this talent-rich, superstar-heavy version of the Miami Heat was built, the only tears were expected to come as players wrapped their arms around a trophy or drenched themselves in champagne.

They weren’t supposed to come from frustrated superstars soaked in failure.

Once again the playoffs haven't started yet. How do we know this season is a failure? Sure they won't win 70 games but that won't matter if they win the championship. I can't call this season a failure for the Heat until they've been eliminated.

The only moving speeches given in the middle of a quiet locker room were supposed to be inspirational pre-game messages from a coach.

It was never supposed to be LeBron James apologizing for repeated failures in critical situations.

This much disappointment, this kind of emotion was never supposed to be part of the package deal that came with James, Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade.

I love these doomsday column's by sports writers. They basically repeat everything they've previously said, but phrase it differently. "Hey folks! Our team is crumbling so let me phrase that to you in a 600 word column 20 different times! Will I explain why they're crumbling? Of course not!"

And yet, there was crying Sunday inside the Heat locker room. There was a humbled James. There were crushed hearts and somber superstars.

And it’s all because the Heat lost a fourth consecutive game, and for the third time in that stretch did so by missing last-second shots that could’ve changed the entire portrayal of the team. And the situation isn’t going away. The Heat is four games into an 11-game stretch of matchups against winning teams (it has lost the first four). The next six are at home – but the Heat lost its previous two at home, too.

This time, it involved a phantom foul, two Chicago free throws, a James missed layup and a Wade missed jumper – all of it coming in a span of 16 seconds.

Bulls 87, Heat 86. Misery wins again.

Misery? If Israel wants to see misery he should get on a plane to Sacramento and see what misery is all about. I would take the misery of losing a game while still being able to make the playoffs any day over losing the team entirely. That's misery. Not losing a single game on a Sunday afternoon.

Where Michael Wilbon Tells You The Difference Between a Column and News Story

One of my of the many great features over at the old Fire Joe Morgan website was their "JoeChats." Instead of ripping on a columnist, a feature you should be familiar with by now, they would rip on Joe Morgan when he was "chatting" on ESPN.com. So basically they FJM Style the ESPN chats featuring Joe Morgan.

For people unfamiliar with these chats, ESPN has various people (writers, broadcasters, celebrities) "chat" with people asking questions. These chats are like cattle calls because there's somebody different each hour chatting throughout the day every hour for eight hours. Sometimes these chats are very resourceful (Like when Dana O'Neil chats) or they're absurd (Like when the SportsPickle chats).

On MLK Day, Mike Wilbon of Pardon The Interruption participated in one of these chats. In typical Wilbon fashion he talked about the NBA, Chicago Sports, and this past weekend's NFL games. One particular answer though caught my attention. I'll get to that later, but let's first highlight some of things Wilbon talked about in his chat. (The Question and Wilbon's response in bold, my comments not in bold.)

Some People Just Can't Be Happy

Some people just can't be happy. Case in point Star-Telegram writer Gil Lebreton. Even though the Texas Rangers are eight games ahead of everyone in the AL West and barring a complete collapse, they'll most likely reach the playoffs. Does Gil not realize how many teams would kill to have an eight game lead in their division? It doesn't matter to Gil, he found some way to complain about the Rangers. His complaint is about the trades the Rangers have made during the year. That can mean only one thing, time for a FJM style breakdown of Gil's column. His comments in italics.

Gone are the days, fortunately, when the New York Yankees could bolster a pennant drive simply by plucking someone off the roster of the Kansas City Athletics.

The Kansas City Royals and Pittsburgh Pirates fans are crying right now. They're former players are littered across baseball right now. 

Now, girding for a playoff run takes prospects. Money. And as the Texas Rangers have been reminded firsthand, good health.

There was a point during the just-concluded road trip when the Rangers' infield was, left to right, Jorge Cantu, Andres Blanco, Joaquin Arias and Mitch Moreland.

The Rangers were also reminded this summer to spend your money wisely. Or you could end up bankrupt.

The lineup card looked like a spring training game.

What? Jorge Cantu and Joaquin Arias not a great 1-2 punch in the lineup?