February 12, 2014

Derek Jeter's Retirement Gifts

Derek Jeter has announced that after 2014 season he'll retire. So for the third straight season a future hall of fame baseball player will have a retirement tour across baseball for the season. And that means he'll receive gifts so let's guess what gifts he'll be given.

Toronto: Toronto supposedly has some of the best strip clubs in North America so I can only imagine the Blue Jays giving Jeter a gift card to Centerfolds.

Baltimore: Obviously they'll give him crabs. The good, edible kind of course. Not the bad kind that itch.

Tampa Bay: A walker. Get it? Because Tampa Bay is a retirement community and Jeter is retiring.

/I hate myself

Boston: A gift basket that includes: A-Rod's Hamburger Helper glove from the 04 ALCS, Irish whiskey tasting Geritol, and a punch to the mouth followed  by, "HOW DO LIKE EM APPLES?"

Minnesota: An IOU for all the times the Yankees beat the Twins in the playoffs.

Detroit: S&M gear because of how much the Tigers have dominated the Yankees in the playoffs.

Oakland: Raw sewage fresh from the bowels of the Oakland Coliseum.

Atlanta Braves: Bottled up tears from the Braves players of the 90's who thought they would be the team of the 90's.

New York Mets: (They'll actually be asking you for a gift because their owner has nothing.)

Brian McCann: A personal thank you note for playing the game "the right way".

New York Yankees: A gift basket modeled after the gift basket Jeter gives to all of his conquests.

1 comment:

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