The Talent Scout

 (In college I took a creative writing class which resulted in a couple of short stories I wrote. I still have them so I'm going to publish them here every once in a while.)

In a typical Las Vegas summer day Harry Buckner was sticking to the leather seats of his 68 Mustang driving down the strip on his way home. Buckner loved his job (talent scout at The Majestic Casino & Resort) his bosses (couldn’t be nicer people he would tell his wife) and the freedom to be creative with his job. But damn the Vegas summers he would mumble throughout the hot season.

Buckner was in a mood of confusion on his way back home on one particular hot summer day. He witnessed an act that he could not possibly describe or understand. His whole way home that one audition is all he could think of. He’s seen thousands of auditions in his ten years as a talent scout for The Majestic and none of them could possibly top what he had just witnessed.

Buckner was also thinking about what he would tell his wife Joanne. Harry loved talking about the auditions with his wife and receiving input because he could get a woman’s perspective on an act. His wife’s likening of Mongo & The Ape, the popular show at The Majestic featuring a 7 foot man and an ape performing circus tricks, would become a staple and lead to a handsome raise for Harry. She knew talent and what people visiting Vegas wanted to see. The act Harry had just witnessed though was beyond words and he didn’t have a clue at how he would describe the act he saw on this day to his wife. And he knew she would want to know immediately about acts as soon as he walked through the door.

“Maybe this story is so crazy she'll think I'm lying?” Was going through Buckner's thoughts as he was wiping sweat from his brow. “No. No. She'll be repulsed and shocked just as I was,” a worrying Buckner began thinking. How was he going to recount this story to his wife?


Buckner began thinking that maybe he should just tell his wife that auditions were canceled today. Buckner hated lying to his wife though. He knew that once you began lying you never stop. Buckner thought I must tell her this story and she's going to be repulsed and she might not talk to him for a while.

When Buckner arrived home he received a warm kiss on the cheek from Joanne. The house smelled like fresh baked bread and beans a meal Joanne loved to cook for her love. Harry saw the table was set and knew Joanne liked to talk about their respective days while eating. Harry had to delay telling his story until after dinner. Joanne might be able to better handle his story after she eats.

As they both sat down Joanne asked, “How was your day hun?” Harry looked up with a dreaded face and was suddenly lost for words. “Why must she know everything that goes on during the day at my job?” he was suddenly thinking.

“Oh honey I had a miserable day,” Harry said trying to convince Joanne he wasn't ready to talk about his day. “Can we wait until after dinner to talk about my day please?”

“Sure,” said a confused looking Joanne. She couldn't remember the last time Harry had come home and didn't want to talk about his day. “Was his day that bad?” wondered Joanne. Whatever was bothering him, she knew it had to wait. No need to make him confess about a story he didn't want to immediately.

Harry and Joanne Buckner's lives are very structured around their respective schedules during the week. Joanne works at the pediatric center at the Sunrise Children's Hospital from 5AM till 3PM. She comes home around 3:30 and begins cooking dinner as Harry arrives back home around 5:30 from The Majestic. During the weekends they can eat dinner whenever they want but because of their schedules during the week dinner is always ready before 6PM. After finishing dinner they'll both go and relax in the family room and then will go lay down in the bedroom around 8:30.

Instead of pressuring Harry into revealing about his horrendous day Joanne instead talked about her day at the children's hospital. She talked about a sweet 5-year old girl named Cheyenne who is receiving chemo therapy treatments for Leukemia. Joanne talked about how Cheyenne is taking to the treatments well and hasn't had any setbacks so far.

Joanne could see she was relaxing Harry during dinner with her stories about the remarkable Cheyenne and all the other children who were being treated at Sunrise. Joanne knew her husband well enough that once he's relaxed he can think clearly and will be able to share his story that has him so stressed out.

After dinner they both headed to the family room to relax and recoup from their days. They liked seeing what was on HBO to see if there was a movie on that they either liked or wanted to see. On this night they both noticed 'Backdraft' was playing and that was movie they both enjoyed. Once the movie started they both settled in. Joanne had to get Harry comfortable enough to discuss his story.

“So honey are you ready to discuss your day?” A curious Joanne asked Harry. The look on his face screamed NO!, but Harry knew he had to discuss his day. Joanne was curious about Harry's story as soon as he said he wasn't ready to discuss it around the dinner table.

“Honey I must warn you this story is beyond grotesque,” Harry said with a stern look on his face. Joanne let out a sigh of relief. She was seriously concerned that he might have lost his job.

“Sweetheart I used to work in the ER, I'm used to grotesque,” Joanne replied. And she is right he thought, she has seen grotesque while working in the ER right out of nursing school.

“Okay honey,” Harry said sheepishly. “If this story becomes to disturbing just let me know and I'll stop okay?” And it was a disturbing story. “Okay,” she said.

Harry had been auditioning acts for a new show at The Majestic for a week now. Mongo & the Ape had retired to greener pastures the past month and the management gave Buckner the specific job of finding a new act. Harry had seen everyone from magicians to jugglers to animal wannabe acts like Mongo & the Ape. None of them had impressed Harry enough to make them the main attraction of The Majestic showroom.

On this day an man in maybe his late 30's or early 40's visited Buckner's office. He was a short man maybe 5 feet 7 inches. His face was wrinkled his eyes were blue and his hair was turning a sandy color. He was wearing a polo shirt and blue jeans.

“What's your act sir?” Asked Harry Buckner.

“Well sir I'm a part of a family act,” replied the gentleman. From there the man would describe his “family act” to a horrified Buckner.

He said the first thing the family consisting of his wife, son, and daughter will do is take off all of their clothes and relieve themselves on the stage. Then the family rolls around in their own feces on the stage while singing “Summer Nights.”

Joanne looked at Harry with a look of disgust. “You're lying,” she screamed. Harry knew she wouldn't believe him. “I am not,” he said. “Shall I go on?”

“Well if you're not lying then you're going to have to,” Joanne replied.

After they're done serenading the audience with “Summer Nights” they said their 2^nd act consists of the children juggling daggers while the parents performed various sex acts with each other. And by the way they're still naked and covered in their own feces.

The third act and the grand finale of this spectacle consisted of the father reciting Abe Lincoln's Gettysburg Address, the mother reading Gertrude Stein, and the children having sex with barn animals. The father said he would like to have two pet cows for this act, but a horse would be fine he said.

Joanne went from disgusted to amused Harry could see. “Should I continue?”

“I want to know what they call their act?” Joanne asked.

Harry had actually asked the man what his family called their act. The man who was smiling and proud of himself thinking his act would be a show stealer (it was certainly shocking enough to draw an audience) said, “The Aristocrats!”

A beside herself Joanne was rolling over on the couch laughing. “What's so funny?” a confused Harry asked.

“That's hilarious honey,” she said but Harry didn't find the humor.
Harry sat there in a shocked state wondering why his wife was laughing until he finally realized what was so funny. “Should I hire them?”

“Only if you want to end up in a unemployment line next week,” a still smiling Joanne said.
Harry Buckner would go on to hire a Siegfried & Roy act, but he would always wonder what that family was doing and wondering if he made a big mistake in not hiring them. “The Aristocrats would have been the talk of the world! Oh well,” he thought to himself.