Setting: Inside a office at Kaufman Stadium in Kansas City, a Royals manager in charge of the team's broadcasts is interviewing candidates for the newly opened color analyst job. In walks into the office for an interview is Rex Hudler professional nonsense machine.Hudler is wearing board shorts, a tank top, and sandals. He high fives the Royals manager instead of giving him a handshake, shocking the Royals manager. They sit down at the desk for the interview.
Royals manager: So what are your qualifications for the color analyst job?
Hudler: Well dude I used to work for the California Angels of Anaheim in Orange County near Los Angeles for 12 years. Imagine that! 12 years! My mom said I wouldn't even live past the age of 25.
Anyway yeah dude I used to call Angels games. I thought I was pretty good for the job until the Angels fired me. They said my nonsensical awesome language was dumbing down everyone who watched an Angels game. Whatever.
Royals manager: Interesting. What do they mean by nonsensical language?
Hudler: Don't have a clue. I'm just a shark hunting for seals. I need the taste of meat to feel alive.
(Royals manager looks confused)
Royals manager: You're a shark?
Hudler: Yeah dude. A hammerhead! That has me thinking, why aren't more sharks named after tools? Why isn't there a power drill shark? A Phillips Shark? Tools and sharks go together like sand and waves. Speaking of which, do you surf dude? And can I can surf here?
Royals manager: You do realize we're landlocked here in Kansas City?
Hudler: Whatever. I'll ride wherever it's soulful.
Royals manager: Do you know anything about the Royals history?
Hudler: I know Mike Schmidt was a helluva of a player for the Royals. He was a great third baseman. Oh and I know Sparky Anderson was their manager.
Royals manager: YOU'RE HIRED!
Act 2: The first day on the job
Setting: Angels Stadium in Anaheim. Hudler meets with his new partner Ryan Lefebvre.
Lefebvre: Hello. My name is Ryan Lefebvre.
Hudler: What's up bro.
Later in the game Jeff Franceour rips a double down the third base line.
Hudler: He went after that like a rat after a piece of cheese.
Lefebvre just sits in silence for the rest of the game afraid to say anything that could prompt Hudler to say anything more stupid.
/doesn't work
Act 3: Royals fans with a noose.
Setting: Inside a bar in Kansas City a group of Royals fans gather to watch the third game of the Royals-Angels series.
Royals fan #1: Jeez Hudler sucks. He doesn't make sense and does a poor job breaking down the game.
Royals fan #2: I thought Frank White was bad, but this is worse. It's as if the Royals don't want us to watch the game.
Royals fan #3: Maybe that's their grand plan. They want us to turn off the TV and go to the ballpark?
Hudler once again says something stupid. Says Yuni Betancourt is good player or something. Or praises Ned Yost as a manager.
Royals fan #1: Off this is going to be a long season. Not only is this team bad, but they stuck us with this idiot.
Royals fan #2: I don't know if I can take this for an entire season.
Royals fan #3: /hangs himself
The Rex Hudler Story!
Sigh. I never thought Frank White would be better than anyone at announcing.
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