San Francisco 49ers owner Jed York offered this week to have a face-to-face conversation with draft pick Michael Crabtree. While Crabtree hasn't took up York's offer yet, I have to wonder what that conversation would sound like? Here's my best guest of what that conversation would sould like.
Michael Crabtree walks into the 49ers offices in Santa Clara, California. As soon as Crabtree walks into the building he looks to the right where the 49ers five Super Bowl trophy's are in a case. He looks to the left and sees Greta the secretary answering phone calls.
Crabtree is wearing a Versace suit with a gold chain and a Rolex. Crabtree is nervous about the meeting because he's been holding out for over a month now.
Crabtree: Excuse me, Miss? I'm hear for a meeting with Mr. York.
Greta: Your name, please?
Crabtree: Michael Crabtree
Greta: Oh! Your the guy management has been cursing about since August. Yeah Mr. York should be right with you. Please take a seat.
Crabtree takes a seat in the lobby. He looks around seeing pictures of Y.A. Tittle, Joe Montana, Ronnie Lott, and Jerry Rice.
Then Crabtree looks and here comes Jed York walking down the steps from his office. York is a young short man who is already losing his hair. York is also wearing a Versace suit, but instead of wearing a gold chain, he's wearing a pukka shell necklace.
York reaches out to shake hands with Michael Crabtree.
York: Michael, I've been looking forward to this conversation for a while. How are you doing? How's your family? How's that scumbag of an agent, Eugene Parker doing?
Crabtree: I'm doing fine. My family is also fine. Eugene Parker though has been poking his 49ers voodoo doll with pins since August though.
York: Cool! Let's go to my office to carry on our conversation.
Crabtree and York walk upstairs where the offices are. They walk past Mike Singletarry's office, where he is reciting his motivational speech for the Seattle game on Sunday. They walk past Scot McCloughan's office, where he's still trying to clean up the stench from the Mike Nolan era. Finally they reach York's office.
It's a very spacious office. In the right corner of the office is an air hockey table. In the left corner is a Foosball table. On the walls are paintings of Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse. York sits down behind his desk and Crabtree sits down in a chair facing York.
York: Do you want some M&M's?
Sitting on the desk is a bowl of M&M's, a Game Boy, and a picture of the York family.
Crabtree: No thanks.
York: My favorite color of M&M's is green, but my uncle Eddie told me I should like the red ones. So I told him my favorite color are the red ones, when they really aren't. One little white lie won't hurt.
Crabtree: Oh, can we talk about business?
York: Sure, but did you know my daddy is a famous heart surgeon who ruined this once proud franchise? My mommy was once the owner of the Pittsburgh Penguins. She was the owner when the Penguins won their first Stanley Cup with Mario Lemieux. I got to touch the cup. It's really not as cool as a Super Bowl trophy. Don't tell any Canadian friends that I said that.
Crabtree: Your secret is my secret, Mr. York. Can we finally talk about business?
York: Sure. What is exactly you want from us?
Crabtree: Look Mr. York. I was the number one prospect in the draft. My boys Kuiper and McShay even said so. I wasn't just the best receiver, I was the best player. No one can touch this. Sure I didn't expect to fall to the tenth pick, but those other teams are stupid.
I mean seriously! Matthew Stafford? Please, I can throw more touchdowns than him. Aaron Curry? Please, I can make more tackles than him with my eyes close. And Darius Beyward-Hey! I mean come on. Sure he's a faster receiver than me, but he has bricks for hands. And the Raiders chose him higher than me!
York: I hear you. We were just as surprised that you fell to us like you did. I nearly pooped myself when the Packers didn't chose you.
Crabtree: Yeah! It's B.S.
York: I know. We are still not paying you what you want. You still fell in the draft and are not worth the money you are asking for. We are not going to anger other NFL teams by blowing up the slotting system by over paying you.
Crabtree: This is B.S. Pay me my money now! I'm the best fucking player in the NFL.
York: Uh, no your not. Adrian Peterson is the best player in the NFL. And Randy Moss is the best receiver.
Crabtree: Please! No there not. Peterson went to Oklahoma. He's too stupid to be the best player. And Moss! He's a crybaby who quits when things aren't going his way.
York: Jeez, sounds like somebody I know.
Crabtree: Is that a shot at me?
York: Yes! Look I may look like an idiot, but I'm not stupid. I'm not paying you the money that you want. You do not deserve it. You fell in the draft for a reason. Mangini said that you were a diva when you met him in Cleveland. And so far you have lived up to that rep here in San Francisco.
Crabtree: You know what. Fuck the 49ers. I'm sitting out the year and re-entering the draft next season. Then I will make my fucking money.
York: Your forgetting something. We own your rights. When the time is right we are going to trade you to the Detroit Lions. Matt Millen has already made me an offer. So enjoy your time in Detroit and see if the Ford Family will pay you.
Crabtree: Fine, I'm outta here.
York: Good, now excuse me. I have to see if I can break Bill Walsh's record on the air hockey table.
Crabtree storms out of the office and gets into his limo. The driver takes Crabtree to SFO for he can return to Dallas. Michael Crabtree is never seen again in San Francisco or the Bay Area.
End of conversation.