July 11, 2012

ASG Running Diary From The Cantina

With 4 Giants controversially starting the MLB All-Star game this year the Colonel and I decided to write down our thoughts on this year's game. Enjoy.

(Pictures via @cjzero and Bubbaprog)

4:30, 49er16: And we're live from the Mos Eisley Cantina. The Colonel and I are drinking cold beer and eating Boz's famous chicken strips. We should be joined by The Bandit in a little while. For whatever reason Joe Buck is standing on a presidential podium to start the broadcast. This is already awkward.

4:33, 49er16: And we get our first look at Erin Andrews reporting for Fox. The Colonel just bet money with the Boz on when Andrews will be working for Fox News along with Megyn Kelly. Colonel says she'll be there within two years.

4:36, The Colonel: My name is Joe Buck and I promise to lower taxes, create jobs, and to play Desperate Housewives on a continual loop on PBS. Fuck off Sesame Street.

4:53, The Colonel: Wade Miley, Michael Bourn, and Bryan LaHair! Feel the excitement folks! Feel it!

4:58, 49er16: How badly the Royals fans booed Robinson Cano they just gave just as loud of cheer for Billy Butler. There's some Yankees fan screaming, "Who gives a fuck about Billy Butler? I've never even heard of him. Now let's go play some stickball."

5:02, The Colonel: Cain got a tepid response from the crowd. If he was able to throw a knuckleball out of his ass the world would demand he should start over LeBron James on the Olympic team. Ah I love this time of the year when there's nothing else to talk about.

5:03, The Colonel: By the way I love the hypocrisy surrounding the Giants having four starters while practically the entire AL team is filled with Rangers. Where's the outcry for them? Why are the Giants singled out? Fuck everyone.

5:09, The Colonel: Is this the national anthem or a funeral dirge?

5:11, 49er16: And we get our first look at Joe Buck and Corpse McCarver. Corpse just mumbled some words that I didn't pay attention to. Glad he's hear talking about someone (Mike Trout) who could be his great grand-kid.

5:19, The Colonel: It would be cool if Verlander went Pedro Martinez and struck everyone out in the first inning. Or go Atlee Hammaker and not get anyone out. Either way works.

5:21, 49er16: Melky Cabrera and his orange shoes singles off of Verlander. It's like he's playing a real game. Melky has been getting hits off of everyone.


5:27, The Colonel: Roid Braun knocks in the first run of the game. Good to know the ASG still embraces roid users. I say embrace them all.

5:29, 49er16: Paraphrasing Chipper Jones speech to the National League players, "Guys after this game we're going to get so much Hooters tail. Always go after the blonde who is dumber than a rock but has huge tits."

5:33, The Colonel: Pablo triples and clears the bases. Now excuse me while I give the finger to the entire New York area.

5:35, The Colonel: Well I hoped Verlander would either go Pedro or Atlee Hammaker. And he went Hammaker! With Pablo driving in three runs! If Cain throws a shutout inning here I'm taking off all my clothes.

5:38, 49er16: And once again we're reminded that Dickey should have started over Cain. I hate this has happened to me but I'm a Giants homer so here's my rant, "RA Dickey is a nice story, having a great year, but he's a novelty act. Matt Cain has had a great career and deserve to start this game."

5:41, The Colonel: There's the clutch error by Sandoval. I'm not looking forward to more of that when the real games start again.

5:44, 49er16: Buck, "Hamilton is digging into the plate and will dig into someone's wallet after the season." He better not dig into Nolan Ryan's wallet. That old man will kick his ass and then kick it again for even trying to steal his wallet.


5:52, 49er16: Joe Nathan is now pitching for the AL. It's like two Giants started this game! (Cue snickering Giants fans still pissed at the Liriano deal.)

5:56, The Colonel: Jose Bautista makes a great catch to end the top of the 2nd. Bautista should play for the Yankees because he would be a great Yankee and the Yankees deserve all of your players. All of them.

6:05, 49er16: Local Fox station news promo: "There's a wild fire raging in Colusa County (where I grew up) but why are tax payers paying to put out a fire where hardly anyone lives?"

Great news promo. Yes pay for rich people living in Tahoe, but not for those poor people that live in the hills of Colusa County. 

6:06, The Colonel: David Price mowes down the National League in the third inning. Maybe he should have started the game for the AL? Nah Dickey should have started for the AL.  

6:10, 49er16: I'm still pissed at that Fox40 promo. The smell of elitism was just reaking from that promo. And yes I'm the one who agreed with my father in saying they should just let that fire burnout. I admit to being a hypocrite. 

6:13, The Colonel: Bruce Bochy has requested Buster Posey to be moved to first base after he's done catching to give him some "rest". Bochy is always thinking three steps ahead of everyone else. 

6:15, 49er16: This is the part of the game where I start falling asleep. Nothing more boring than the middle innings of an All-Star game unless you're a fan of Billy Butler or Ryan Cook. If you're not, take a nap. The Colonel and I will sporadically comment on the game now until the final couple of innings. 

6:21, 49er16: Melky Cabrera homers! 8-0 National League in the 4th inning. This is so sweet. Someone on the Giants will win the MVP of this game. Suck it New York. Ahahahahahaha 

6:24, The Colonel: Melky trolling Robinson Cano was better than Royals fans trolling Cano yesterday in the derby. 
6:31, 49er16: Here's Melky trolling Cano. Excellent. And now Strasburg is throwing gas at the American League. 

6:37, The Colonel: Clownbro Harper is wearing gold clown shoes. What a clownbro. I bet he wears gold shoes when he sleeps and when he has sex. 

6:44, 49er16: We're in the fifth inning and Kershaw is coming in for the National League. Is Dickey even going to play? What will the national media complain about now??? That Dickey didn't get into the game soon enough?

6:49, The Colonel: Harper just missed a fly out that should have been caught easily. Clown miss, bro. Clown miss. 
6:51, 49er16: The cherry on top of the sundae for me would be if Kershaw gave up a home run here while Posey is catching him. That would be the greatest thing ever. Or a routine fly ball that bounces off the clownbro's glove over the fence. 

6:58, 49er16: Ian Kinsler popped up depriving me a Kershaw given grand slam. Damn you Ian. Damn you Ron Washington for not knowing how to properly put a team together. Jemile Weeks wouldn't have popped up. 

7:02, The Colonel: Hooters lover Larry Chipper Jones hits a weak single past Kinsler. Maybe Ian should take the rest of the night off. He's just embarrassing himself now. Or maybe Kinsler is a Hooters fan? 

7:05, 49er16: "All star outfielder Andruw....Adam Jones." - Joe Buck. Good to know Buck is thinking about the Yankees. I was beginning to worry about him. Gotta have those priories straight. 

7:07, The Colonel: I see the AARP committee has met once again to make another Expendables movie. Just what the world needed. Metamucil fans making another overblown action movie. Sad thing is I'll probably watch it. 

7:10, 49er16: Buck is continuing the narrative that Dickey should have started the game. And then immediately Mike Trout hits a single right up the middle. Yes Dickey should have totally started the game. 

7:24, The Colonel: Kellie Pickler is singing God Bless America. When I used to watch American Idol I fell in love with Pickler's boobs. Seriously though, she has a nice rack.  
7:26, 49er16: I love that every pick to choose from in the MVP vote is a Giant. The night of the Giants is how I'll always remember this night. Suck it Mets and rest of America. GIANTS! 

7:35, The Colonel: This game is actually going by pretty quickly. The game has barely been on for two hours and we're into the 8th inning. If this was a Red Sox-Yankees game we would only be heading into the third inning if we're lucky. 

7:36, The Bandit: I have nothing add but, "GIANTS!" 

7:43, 49er16: I'm eating Mac & Cheese and one of the Giants will be named MVP. Life is great. 
Via Sean Gothman

7:46, The Colonel: Of course that asshole La Russa has to make an mid-inning pitchers change. I'm glad he's no longer a part of my life after tonight. He can go right back to having a petty feud with Dusty Baker after tonight.

7:51, 49er16: The American League getting shut out in this game proves my point that the American League is vastly overrated as a league. The hitting in the American League isn't better than the National League. That's just a myth.

7:57, The Colonel: Frenando Rodney is wearing his hat like a skateboard punk who walks around the mall all day eating pizza and drinking a soda while holding onto his skateboard. I half expect him to have a sag in his pants.

8:00, 49er16: Well the American League has three more outs to not get shut out. Hopefully the best league in the world scores one run.

8:10, The Colonel: Nope La Russa wasn't done making pitching changes. He always has to show himself as the smartest man in the room. Even in retirement.

8:13, 49er16: Oh for Christ sake they're making another pitching change. GO DIE IN A FIRE LA RUSSA!

8:19, The Colonel: Mercifully this game is over. The National League won 8-0 to give the Senior circuit home field advantage in the World Series. Big winner of the night is Pablo Sandoval. He made Sandy Alderson eat shit and then got to talk to Erin Andrews.

8:23, 49er16: Melky Cabrera is named the MVP of the game. I thought it should have been Sandoval for hitting a bases clearing double with two outs in the first inning off of Verlander. Melky though obviously picked up the award though for being a former Royal. Now I hope Melky lets Sandoval drive that Camaro back to San Francisco.

Good night folks and Go Giants/Suck it Alderson


  1. "RA Dickey is a nice story, having a great year, but he's a novelty act. Matt Cain has had a great career and deserve to start this game."

    By this logic, shouldn't Dickey have started the game, since he won't have that many more reasonable opportunities to start, whereas Cain will?