San Francisco Giants Also Stealing Signs, Still Only Score 1 Run

The Baseball world was turned upside down on Wednesday when an ESPN report surfaced accusing the Toronto Blue Jays of stealing signs. Apparently there is a man hired by the Blue Jays or something wearing all white, sitting in centerfield, relaying signs to the Blue Jays hitters. What ESPN did not mention is that the San Francisco Giants are also stealing signs at their home ballpark. Here's the untold story.

"It ain't easy scoring one run per game," says Bruce Bochy.

From centerfield last weekend Rectum Faced Shane Victorino taunted the Giants players at homeplate while Cliff Lee is on the mound.

"You're only going to score one run, fuckers!" shouted an enraged Rectum Face.

"Oh yeah," shouted Aubrey Huff. "Maybe we'll get shut out by Cliff Lee to prove you wrong!"

The enraged Rectum Face and his methhead comrade Hunter Pence could not believe what they saw at AT&T Park last Thursday. A man dressed in a Crazy Crab mascot uniform was in clear view relaying catcher's signs to the Giants hitters. The man is believed to be a Giants blogger who living at large in someone's basement. He is presumed to look like this.

The Phillies players weren't exactly sure how the man was receiving the signs, but an inside source tells Keith's Sports Journal that Joe Blanton was sitting in the stands next to Crazy Crabby along with a Budweiser, Garlic Fries, and Vance Worley voodoo doll. Crazy Crabby was supposedly doing the Macarena for any breaking pitch and was shouting "Fastball" or "Cutter" for fastballs and cutters.

The bullpen was so fixated on the man, they actually turned away from the action on the field. Brad Lidge even had this look on his face as he saw Joe Blanton allegedly stabbing the Worley voodoo doll in the shoulder.


After Cody Ross struck out for the 4,000th time in the game against Lee, and enraged Rectum Face pointed and screeched at Ross. No one is not exactly sure why he was screeching since the Giants only hits against Lee were bloopers.

The Phillies would go on to win more games in the series against the Giants, than San Francisco runs scored in the series.

Torres checking with the Crazy Crab to make sure he can advance to third.

Has the sign stealing helped the Giants hitters? According to Fangraphs, they've had the opposite affect. *The Giants average -300 runs, -1,000 hits, -10,000 walks, and 5 double plays at home. Opposing pitchers average 27 strikeouts, no hits, and no runs.

*These stats are probably more truthful than I would like to admit. 

Do you know how hard it is to not score at home with a ballpark that has wide gaps between the right fielder and centerfielder? Just ask Giants manager Bruce Bochy.

"Our hitters are eventually going to warm up," says the Giants skipper. "We have to make sure when the Crazy Crab touches his hip that we're about to see a breaking ball so the hitters need to swing away.

"Our hitters need to swing at every pitch even if the opposing team is trying to intentionally walk our hitters. Why do you think we're paying err observing this man in the Crab outfit in the outfield checking the signs. We're just trying to get a head start on the strikeout."

"Why do you think I've grounded out to 2nd base 3,253 times this season?" asks Giants 1st baseman Aubrey Huff. "The Crazy Crab keeps pointing to the gap between the 2nd baseman and the 1st baseman. The Crazy Crab hasn't been wrong yet. I just haven't hit the ball hard enough between the gap."

So are the Giants reaping the benefits of the signs from Centerfield? Yes. Yes they are. The generous team that is the Giants are using the signs to help their opposing teams win games by swinging at every pitch thrown to them.

"We're just trying to help our fellow man," says Aaron Rowand.

Don't expect any warm welcomes from the Phillies though. They're still simmering over last week.

"If I see those motherfuckers again, I'm going to hop to incite a riot between our teams," said Placido Palanco.