Journey Into the Wilderness

On Friday night my friend (who will simply be known as The Colonel from now on) and I decided to head to our favorite bar in town, Live Oak Tavern aka Mos Eisley Cantina, to watch the Giants play the Indians in Interleague after work.

We arrived ten minutes before the first pitch and ordered onion rings and a pitcher of Coors Banquet. I'm partial to the Banquet beer because I used to work for a company that distributed Coors products to the Sacramento area. It's also the first beer I ever remember trying and liking. It's also the perfect cheap beer. And we would need a lot of cheap beer on this night.

The Colonel and I would need as much beer as possible on this night. Jonathon Sanchez was taking the hill for the Giants.

To quote Winston Churchill on the country of Russia, "It is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma." That's the perfect quote to also describe Jonathon Sanchez.

Sanchez can be the most talented left-hander pitcher in the majors. He can also be the most troubled. And inside is an enigma that nobody can figure out. And I mean no one. Coaches, teammates, broadcasters, fans, anyone can't figure out the riddle that is Jonathon Sanchez.

Does he not have the mental capabilities to pitch? Does his mind drift, because he's certainly the only pitcher I've seen who can strike out seven batters and then immediately walk two batters, give up a double along with a couple of runs, and then strike out another seven guys in a row.

Emotions fly when Sanchez is playing. You can go from thinking, "Hey this guy could win the Cy Young" to thinking "I wonder if we could trade Sanchez to the Mets for Jose Reyes" in a split second. Can you think of another pitcher in the majors today that elicits emotions like that?  Neither can I.

So on Friday night the Colonel and I decided to journey into the wilderness that is Jonathon Sanchez. Here's the condensed version of the Colonel's and I conversation during Sanchez's start against the Indians last Friday night over Coors Banquet and onion rings.

The Conversation: Cruise & Zorn

Before the Washington Redskins lost to the Detroit Lions on Sunday, head coach Jim Zorn and Tom Cruise engaged in a conversation. You have to wonder what that conversation might have sounded like. Well here's my best guest.

Fade In:

Tom Cruise and Jim Zorn give each other a friendly embrace in front of a sparse crowd in Detroit before kickoff. Cruise and Redskins owner Daniel Snyder have been cushy for a while, so that means Zorn has to play nice with Cruise.

Tom Cruise: Hey Iceman! Give me some love.

Jim Zorn: What's up Maverick!

Cruise: Not much, I got out of going to one of mine Scientology cult meetings to come to this game. The rest of the members were just going to read another L. Ron Hubbard book. I said screw it, and I was off to the game. How you feeling about the game?

Zorn: I'm a 0.03 on the tone scale.

Cruise: Well you are pretty useless. I mean come on. You barely beat a horrible Rams team 9-7 last week.

Zorn: Thanks for the support, Tom. That makes me feel so much better.

Cruise: No problem Zorney. Hahahaha....Get it? Zorney? I crack myself up. And people wonder why I have never won an Best Actor Oscar.

Zorney: Yeah, I get it. Your so funny Cruisey?

Cruise: Don't ever fucking call me Cruisey or I will tell Danny!

Zorney: Oops, sorry Tom.

Cruise and Zorn look at each other awkwardly and smile. Zorn is feeling very uncomfortable at this moment and starts to sweat. Cruise looks displeased to talk to such a loser. Cruise never wanted the Redskins to hire Zorn in the first place, but he keeps a straight face because of his relationship with Danny Snyder.

Cruise: So what's the offensive gameplan today?

Zorney: Hahahahahahaha, what?

Cruise: You know the gameplan? How are you going to utlize Clinton today? How are you going to invovle Cooley in the game?

Zorney: Offensive gameplan? I was playing Where's Waldo? last night in the hotel room. I didn't create an offensive gameplan for this game.

Cruise: Oh boy! You are a 0.03 on the Tone Scale. You are completely useless. How did you swindle Danny into this job?

Zorney: Hip Hip Hooray?

Cruise: Shut up you useless waste of space. I can't believe I flew to fucking Detroit to watch this team. We have the most talent than every other team in the league, but we are a laughingstock. It's all your fault! You have made me look bad for the very last time!

Zorney: Do you own the team? Can you fire me?

Cruise: Of course I own this team. Daniel Snyder is just a front to make me look good. When personnel decisions like you backfire, Danny boy takes the heat instead of me. So yes I do own the team and yes I have the power to fire you. If you don't win today, I swear to Christ you won't make it back to the District.

Zorn at this point is really starting to sweat. He never knew Cruise was the one who actually owned the Redskins. He always thought that Cruise owning the team was a possibility, but now the truth had finally came out.

Zorn: I will go work on the gameplan right now.

Cruise and Zorn shake hands and part ways. Cruise climbs into the Detroit stands to watch the game. Zorn makes his way to the locker room to make a gameplan.

3 hours later and the Redskins just lost to the Detroit Lions. The Redskins were unsuccessful on two fourth down attempts. The first one happened on the Detroit one-yard line. Zorn called for a Clinton Portis run up the middle which was stuffed by the Lions. Then on the final drive of the game, Zorn's conservative gameplan prevented the Redskins from scoring while they were only down by five.

After the game ended Zorn looked into the crowd to find Cruise with a beat red face and a displeased posture. Fearing he wound be stranded in Detroit, Zorn ran into the locker room, to the parking lot and called for a taxi. Zorn then went to the airport and flew back to the District without the team. Zorn is in hiding at this moment. As for Cruise, he flew back to Los Angeles called Snyder and told him to take the heat from the press about this game.

Too be continued..........

The Conversation: Crabtree & Ryan

News came down yesterday that the New York Jets might have tampered with the San Francisco 49ers unsigned first round pick Michael Crabtree. Jets coach Rex Ryan has denied these claims and wished his Jets played the 49ers. I think his daddy's favorite player would personally flog Ryan in the middle of the Meadowlands, but that's another conversation.

I have to wonder though, what would the conversation be like between Rex Ryan and Michael Crabtree? So once again this week, I break out the conversation. Warning: This post contains foul language that is not suitable for minors.

Fade In:

Michael Crabtree has landed in New York and is headed to New Jersey to meet with Coach Ryan. Crabtree arrives at the Bada Bing Club to meet with Coach Ryan. Crabtree is wearing a Versace suit, gold necklace, and a Rolex. Crabtree walks into the club and sees Ryan sitting in a booth and eating chicken wings. There are half-naked women dancing on top of the bar. Tony Soprano is sitting in his office in the back of the club.

Crabtree walks up to Ryan who is wearing sweat pants, sneakers, and a dirty T-Shirt. Ryan has ranch dressing on the side of his face, when he realizes that Crabtree has arrived. Ryan gets out of the booth to shake hands with Crabtree.

Rex Ryan: Hey Mikey! I'm Sexy Rexy.

Michael Crabtree: Hi, Sexy Rexy.

Ryan: (Laughs) Just kidding. You don't have to call me Sexy Rexy. Just call me Rex. Only my wife calls me Sexy Rexy in the bedroom. You know what I mean.

Ryan has a big grin on his face and is poking Crabtree in the side while laughing.

Ryan: Have a seat?

Ryan and Crabtree both sit down in the booth looking across from each other.

Ryan: Do you like chicken wings? They are my favorite. Also what do you think of this club? Fancy huh? My daddy used to take me to club like this in Philadelphia but they didn't have chicken wings, they only had cheesesteaks.


Crabtree: I will take a pass on the chicken wings. They are good though, but I ate a sandwich in on the way here.

Ryan continues to eat his chicken wings. He dips them in the ranch dressing while watching the half-naked dancers on top of the bar.

Ryan: So what's up with the 49ers? What a bunch of pussies. They don't want to pay you what you want. Fuck them! We traded up to draft Mark Sanchez and paid him a shitload of money. He's famous because he plays in New York. You see Michael, you will never become famous in San Francisco. There are too many weirdos out there anyhow.

And Mike Singletary, phew. My daddy was his defensive coordinator in Chicago. Talk about a primadonna? Singletary was all about the team and playing hard. What a pussy. Team sports are all about the individual like you.

Crabtree: That's what I have been saying. Deion Sanders said that I should only be concerned about me. I mean, I might as well be paid even if I don't contribute. As for Singletary, your right. The guy keeps calling me and telling me that this is a team and that everyone plays together. Fuck that. I'm going to be the biggest thing in the NFL.


Ryan: No doubt. Plus, Shaun Hill will be the one throwing to you. Yuk!

Crabtree: Don't even get me started on that guy. Hill isn't worthy of being in the same huddle as me. He has a lip noodle for a arm and he talks like a fucking redneck. I mean come on, he's from Kansas. The only thing that has come out of Kansas has been Dorthy.

Ryan: LOL, Dorthy. I loved "The Wizard of Oz." Anyways how would you like Mark Sanchez throwing to you. He has a strong arm and you have to see the women he hangs out with. Phew!

Crabtree: I bet. Sanchez looks like a pimp. I bet he does hang out with great women. Shaun Hill couldn't even pay a hooker to hang out with him.

Ryan: Shaun Hill is a loser. Fuck him and his limp noodle of an arm. Sanchez is the man. So how would you like to play for the New York Jets? You can catch passes from Sanchez and get paid a shitload of money.

Crabtree: Yeah that sounds good. I like Sanchez and you will seriously pay me the money I want? I mean I want $20 million guaranteed.


Ryan: We will pay you whatever you want. Just don't tell anyone.

Crabtree: Fuck yeah! I won't tell anyone. Wait! Why can't I tell anyone?

Ryan: Because that would be tampering. Were not even suppose to have this conversation. So remember, don't tell anyone. Don't tell your agent, don't tell your friends and don't tell Deion Sanders.

Ryan finishes his chicken wings and is now using a napkin to wipes his face and hands. And this time the half-naked dancer has finished her routine as Tony Soprano has walked out of his office and is on his way to meet Dr. Melfi.

Crabtree: Okay, I won't tell anyone.


Ryan: Good! We will try and work out something that could bring you to the New York Jets.

Crabtree: Great! Nice meeting with you.

At this time Crabtree and Ryan shake hands and part ways. Ryan heads back to the Jets training facilities. Crabtree calls for a cab and tells the driver to take him to the airport. While on his way to the airport, Crabtree talks to Deion Sanders. He tells Deion about his conversation with Ryan and what they are offering.

After Crabtree and Deion speak, Deion goes on the NFL Network and tells the world that at least two teams have shown interest in Crabtree. This proclamation by Deion triggers the tampering charges by the 49ers again the Jets, leaving us where we are today.

End of Scene

The Conversation: Crabtree & York

San Francisco 49ers owner Jed York offered this week to have a face-to-face conversation with draft pick Michael Crabtree. While Crabtree hasn't took up York's offer yet, I have to wonder what that conversation would sound like? Here's my best guest of what that conversation would sould like.

Fade In:

Michael Crabtree walks into the 49ers offices in Santa Clara, California. As soon as Crabtree walks into the building he looks to the right where the 49ers five Super Bowl trophy's are in a case. He looks to the left and sees Greta the secretary answering phone calls.

Crabtree is wearing a Versace suit with a gold chain and a Rolex. Crabtree is nervous about the meeting because he's been holding out for over a month now.

Crabtree: Excuse me, Miss? I'm hear for a meeting with Mr. York.

Greta: Your name, please?

Crabtree: Michael Crabtree

Greta: Oh! Your the guy management has been cursing about since August. Yeah Mr. York should be right with you. Please take a seat.

Crabtree takes a seat in the lobby. He looks around seeing pictures of Y.A. Tittle, Joe Montana, Ronnie Lott, and Jerry Rice.

Then Crabtree looks and here comes Jed York walking down the steps from his office. York is a young short man who is already losing his hair. York is also wearing a Versace suit, but instead of wearing a gold chain, he's wearing a pukka shell necklace.

York reaches out to shake hands with Michael Crabtree.


York: Michael, I've been looking forward to this conversation for a while. How are you doing? How's your family? How's that scumbag of an agent, Eugene Parker doing?

Crabtree: I'm doing fine. My family is also fine. Eugene Parker though has been poking his 49ers voodoo doll with pins since August though.

York: Cool! Let's go to my office to carry on our conversation.

Crabtree and York walk upstairs where the offices are. They walk past Mike Singletarry's office, where he is reciting his motivational speech for the Seattle game on Sunday. They walk past Scot McCloughan's office, where he's still trying to clean up the stench from the Mike Nolan era. Finally they reach York's office.

It's a very spacious office. In the right corner of the office is an air hockey table. In the left corner is a Foosball table. On the walls are paintings of Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse. York sits down behind his desk and Crabtree sits down in a chair facing York.

York: Do you want some M&M's?

Sitting on the desk is a bowl of M&M's, a Game Boy, and a picture of the York family.

Crabtree: No thanks.

York: My favorite color of M&M's is green, but my uncle Eddie told me I should like the red ones. So I told him my favorite color are the red ones, when they really aren't. One little white lie won't hurt.

Crabtree: Oh, can we talk about business?


York: Sure, but did you know my daddy is a famous heart surgeon who ruined this once proud franchise? My mommy was once the owner of the Pittsburgh Penguins. She was the owner when the Penguins won their first Stanley Cup with Mario Lemieux. I got to touch the cup. It's really not as cool as a Super Bowl trophy. Don't tell any Canadian friends that I said that.

Crabtree: Your secret is my secret, Mr. York. Can we finally talk about business?

York: Sure. What is exactly you want from us?

Crabtree: Look Mr. York. I was the number one prospect in the draft. My boys Kuiper and McShay even said so. I wasn't just the best receiver, I was the best player. No one can touch this. Sure I didn't expect to fall to the tenth pick, but those other teams are stupid.


I mean seriously! Matthew Stafford? Please, I can throw more touchdowns than him. Aaron Curry? Please, I can make more tackles than him with my eyes close. And Darius Beyward-Hey! I mean come on. Sure he's a faster receiver than me, but he has bricks for hands. And the Raiders chose him higher than me!

York: I hear you. We were just as surprised that you fell to us like you did. I nearly pooped myself when the Packers didn't chose you.

Crabtree: Yeah! It's B.S.

York: I know. We are still not paying you what you want. You still fell in the draft and are not worth the money you are asking for. We are not going to anger other NFL teams by blowing up the slotting system by over paying you.

Crabtree: This is B.S. Pay me my money now! I'm the best fucking player in the NFL.

York: Uh, no your not. Adrian Peterson is the best player in the NFL. And Randy Moss is the best receiver.

Crabtree: Please! No there not. Peterson went to Oklahoma. He's too stupid to be the best player. And Moss! He's a crybaby who quits when things aren't going his way.

York: Jeez, sounds like somebody I know.

Crabtree: Is that a shot at me?


York: Yes! Look I may look like an idiot, but I'm not stupid. I'm not paying you the money that you want. You do not deserve it. You fell in the draft for a reason. Mangini said that you were a diva when you met him in Cleveland. And so far you have lived up to that rep here in San Francisco.

Crabtree: You know what. Fuck the 49ers. I'm sitting out the year and re-entering the draft next season. Then I will make my fucking money.

York: Your forgetting something. We own your rights. When the time is right we are going to trade you to the Detroit Lions. Matt Millen has already made me an offer. So enjoy your time in Detroit and see if the Ford Family will pay you.

Crabtree: Fine, I'm outta here.

York: Good, now excuse me. I have to see if I can break Bill Walsh's record on the air hockey table.


Crabtree storms out of the office and gets into his limo. The driver takes Crabtree to SFO for he can return to Dallas. Michael Crabtree is never seen again in San Francisco or the Bay Area.

End of conversation.