The Dan Gilbert Letter MST 3000 Style

We all know the LeBron has left Cleveland. We all know Cleveland fans haven't taken the news well. In fact, Cleveland fans really took the news hard. That was the immediate reaction by Cleveland fans though was nothing compared to the immediate reaction by Cavs owner Dan Gilbert. Gilbert crushed LeBron in the AP and also crushed LeBron with this open letter.

Now do you kids remember Mystery Science Theater 3000? MST3000 was an American cult television show that ran from the late 80's until the late 90's. MST3000 would read open letters on air and then interject their comments into the letter. Well I'm going MST3000 on Dan Gilbert's open letter to Cavalier fans. And no, I won't make fun of the fact he used Comic Sans as his font. My comments in bold:

Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight; (What? Cincinnati and Southeast Ohio doesn't count?)

As you now know, our former hero (Cleveland has so few hero's to root for), who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening (But he did it to win more rings!), is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier. (Enjoy the lottery next season Cleveland)

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic (This word has been thrown around a lot lately), self-promotional build-up (The NBA is full of self-promotion) culminating with a national TV special (With Jim Gray!) of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" (Love he quoted decision and witness. I would have cursed in those spots) in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment. ("The Decision" did kill in the ratings.)

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us. (As to exciting/inspired/delighted?)

The good news is that the ownership team (Over/Under the number of years until Gilbert sales the team: 2) and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff (At least someone is employed in this economy) over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you. (Hah! Not betray you? You should have won at least one ring during the LeBron era.)

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future (Translation: We're fucked). Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you. (Translation: We have no idea what to do now. Anderson Varejao is now our best player.)

You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal. (Translation: I'm just as surprised he left as well.)

You have given so much and deserve so much more. (Detroit Lions/Buffalo Bills fans are snickering right now.)

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight: (Translation: Here's where I tell LeBron to fuck off.)

"(CAPS LOCK!) I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE" (Hold on I have to pick myself off the floor because I'm laughing so hard.)

You can take it to the bank. (Just don't take a loan from Dan Gilbert's business.)

If you thought we were motivated (LOL) before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland (What does tools have to do with LeBron leaving?) , I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels. (Translation: We have no fucking clue what to do now.)

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there. (MORE CAPS LOCK!)

Sorry, but that's simply not how it works. (Is there a vacation rental in Heaven?)

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. (Yes children. Don't take less money to win a championship. It's all about the Benjamin's.) And "who" we would want them to grow-up to become. (He went with the children card. You see politicians do this all-the-time.)

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio. (I guess when all of your franchises haven't won a title since the Lyndon Johnson era, they yeah your city is cursed.)

The self-declared former "King" will be taking the "curse" with him down south (That's how you rally the troops.). And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma. (I wouldn't call a city with these type of women "cursed.")

Just watch. (There's nothing else to watch. Both the Indians and Browns suck right now.)

Sleep well, Cleveland. (Burn shit to the ground!)

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day.... (Yes this. Except the exact opposite.)

I PROMISE (MORE CAPS LOCK!) you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only: (Beating the Miami Heat?)

DELIVERING YOU (MORE CAPS LOCK!) the championship (Or that) you have long deserved and is long overdue.... (More snickering from the city of Buffalo)

Dan Gilbert (The guy telling LeBron to fuck off)
Majority Owner (As opposed to Minority?)
Cleveland Cavaliers (The team more irrelevant now than the Cleveland Indians)